Realization at 22...

Today, a beautiful sunny Sunday, a day where I feel abnormally happier than usual, I realized something. Something I've always given advice about. You don't need another person to be happy. And in my "ah-ha" moment, I realized that's what I've been doing. I want to change so many things about myself to accommodate for a person that more than likely has forgotten about me or never realized I existed in the first place. Here I am with a major, huge, out of this world crush for a man that lives about 6 hours away from me that I have only met once, but had the feeling that this was the man for me. He has all the qualities on my strict list. He is handsome and tall, witty, charming, God loving, attentive to his work, hardworking and man the list goes on. Would I love to get to know him better? Why of course!! And then he gets a girlfriend. Darn. At first yes, I was sad, because I had high hopes we would get to know eachother better and whatnot...but then I saw her picture and I was blown away. She is GORGEOUS. Honestly, they would make beautiful children together one day. I started feeling really down about this, because she is everything that physically I am not. I'm not of average height, I'm not slim haha, and I'm not that beautiful, curvy, blonde, long haired and long legged woman. I. Am. Me. I am curvaceously plump, 5'2, brunette with short hair. I also don't have that exotic name. It's just Bianca Garcia. Plain and Simple. In the end that's okay with me, I am working on getting fit (AGAIN) and reading more, like I used to, but most of all I'm growing in my relationship with Christ, delving deeper into his miraculous word and books associated with it. And that is something I truly enjoy. I see my youth also growing spiritually and that is something that makes me truly happy. Although, I am the adult, their teacher and leader, I feel as if they are my family and I must care for them and help them to grow. That aside...

I remember the first time I saw him I was just in awe. He is handsome, yet humble. Funny, yet charming. Witty, yet courteous. I wanted so desperately to just talk to him, to get to know him. This was the first time in all my very lifetime, that I wanted to talk to someone I found so attractive. Yet...it isn't nor was it ever about his physical appearance. It was the way he carried himself and spoke. Of what I saw in his eyes, when we finally shook hands. He seemed humble, down to earth...warm. When he spoke about the word of God, he spoke with a passion that burned through his eyes...like his soul hungered for and thirsted for this communication with God and loved speaking of him. When he spoke of himself he joked and was humble. (which is something I truly admire) I payed close attention to how he spoke, because I'm that type of person that watches the body language when someone speaks.

I was finally given the chance to introduce myself to him (unwillingly) and when we shook hands, I was so nervous I asked "Is that it?" Immediately, I mentally slapped myself for asking that question. I'm sure he was also taken aback by my rude question. He had a gentle yet firm handshake and relaxed caring smile. And there I was with a nervous smile and happy as a clam. I finally got to speak with him and I muck it up.

But going back to what happened to me today, I realized I don't need him to be happy. If it is meant to be God will see that it happens. I mean I would LOVE for it to happen or even just to have a great friendship with him. I realized that at my age a lot of people my age, my friends and classmates are getting married, are married, have children, are engaged or in relationship while I'm alone. At first I was pretty bummed, because me, well I don't really like the feeling of being alone. But also I am happy being who I am. So it clicked that no one can make me happy except for myself and God, well yes of course someone could add to my happiness but I can't base my happiness on someone else and it's time that I start taking my advice also. I studied psychology, so I might as well as take my advice and not just give it anymore.